For happiness~

I'm still here.
Watching. But, I have found what I have been searching for.

The question is, how long will this last?
I have no doubt in my mind, it will last a long time.


xx.

For Love...

I love you.

This time, I truly mean those 3 little words.
What I felt before surely must have been it.


xx.

This is goodbye?

This blog is going to disconnected...but, kept opened, until further notice.

Thank you.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Existence

There is a Buddhist saying:
If you want to know your past, look into your present conditions.
If you want to know your future, look into your present actions.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Insecuries

I was feeling insecure about things between Daniel and myself for a little while.
I'm no longer worried anymore - I've realised that there isn't any point feeling that way.

Because, if they are going to leave you. They'll just go it. It depends on how they go about doing it. - whether they hang on or whether they make it quick. Things still have been going good.

xx.

Powered by ScribeFire.

You'll know when the time is right

I've never been inlove before. But, I never want to leave his side...
I truly mean it this time. I've found someone that makes me feel so damn alive inside...

I could just lay there and stare into his blue eyes all day long without a whisper of another thought. Isn't that what this thing called 'love' is about?
Sentimental things. That somehow, got jammed into out of passionate sex between the bed sheets.

The meaning was totally gone after that and that was the only thing that mattered: Human desire.
It makes me sick when I am used. But, I know, this time, I am not the fool. He cares about me so much...
I can just tell without Daniel even whispering it into my ear...I know how he feels...about me.


xx.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Just another poem to love or hate

One of my poems has been posted on : http://incinq.blogspot.com/ - Date, April 1st...
The title is: "girl, 21, Western Australia..." on that blog - And here it is!



Creative
Gently, caring
Quietly wanting someone
Lustfully, aching
Secretly.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Just another perspective...

It feels like it has been one long day.
I've had 3 days off of work. Thank god, I have work tomorrow. I was getting a bit bored.
I've been playing around with photoshop.

Anyway, here is a photo of Daniel and me... <3



Yes, I am wearing a tank top, it's a cut one - And no, I am not totally naked...It just looks like it. Haha!


xx.

Just what if you did?

Dear Bob,
The last poem was written by me.
My job has been going good, so far. The staff at Coles are very friendly and always help me if I need it.
I've had the odd rude customer which was disheartened me, a little...But, you get that!
They pay they're casual staff very well: I'm getting $19.63...Almost $20 an hour. On Sundays, I get time-and-a-half. On public holidays, I get double pay. Which is outrageous!

I only get to see Daniel, once every 2 weeks, either he is too busy or I am.
Things have been going good so far. But, the other night on the phone he said something to me that he had done in the past more in then once, that scared me...It's one of those things that question whether you should be with him them or not. Or do you let go and hold on to believe them completely over what they say?
I was always lead to believe that, "People don't change - They become more-so".
It's not like anything bad has happened yet. But, you can't judge someone based on their past either. It seems swallow.
If anything bad happens to me, I'm out of there. As selfish as this sounds: because, the most important person is myself. IF something horrible is endangering myself.


xx.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Just a side note...

Beginnings Created Shadows Profile An Existence...

See me now,

~ Shadowed heart from within,

Once loved,
Only once time to begin,
Pick up from where I left off,
Where pieces of an existence float from the dust,

Ashes to ashes,

I am more than what I have become.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Just another sound...

"You're Cute When You Scream" By Senses Fail


(Fuck with my heart)
I'll teach you what it's like.
(To be so used)
That you'll have to clean.
That dirt stuck in
Your plastic finger nails.
And just the scent of you is enough
(To make me sick)

And all I know is revenge is sweet when...

You know that you are worthless
And I am better than
The games that you play princess.
(I've played) and always win.

(I'll take my time)
To slowly plot your end.
(But now I will)
Spit bullets with my pen.

And all I know is you're cute when you scream.

You know that you are worthless
And I am better than
The games that you play princess.
(I've played) and always win.

I'll take you to the top,
Of this building and just push you off.
Run down the stairs so I can see your face
As you hit the street,
the street, the street, the street.

You know that you are worthless
And I am better than
The games that you play princess.
(I've played) and always win.

(This time I win. So here's your kiss goodbye.)

The next time I am going to be angst over a lover. Or ex lover. I will be sure to think of this song and cluck...

That 3rd verus is very emo and impacting. Yet disgusting at the utter though.

Just where have you gone?

Hello there,
Not much happening, just yet. I have secured a place at Coles supermarket after completely a 6 hour online induction, which only took me 4 and half hours. I get paid to do as well.

This Tuesday, I have a 3 hour in-store induction. I have a week of training to do. I'm excited to start a new job that has decent hours, rather then having to get up at 4:30am every morning. It should be a good experience for me as I haven't had much customer service experience yet. I'm hoping I don't learn to less appreciate the human race, it seems they are a generally a bunch of pigs - That's what i learnt off the cleaning job!

I miss Daniel. I was going to see him today. His car wouldn't start this morning though. I was feeling really tired, I needed a sleep...I still feel he is the only thing at the moment keeping me walking along. Still, I've become much more optimistic about things due the past week. Thank god for options!

xx.

powered by performancing firefox

It's just a monster...

Still no word yet from my new job at Coles about the induction - I have been waiting for an email off of them for a week now. I was told to ring them tomorrow if I do not receive it.

I've been very restless, emotional and inpatient lately. Part of the reason is, I haven't been getting enough sunlight and I have had to sleep during my afternoons off which happen 3-4 days a week.
I feel that is Daniel is still the only thing to keep myself from feeling truly happy. I was having thoughts yesterday about being single again. It's not what I really want - It wasn't me thinking that, it was my "sad" side, wanting to free itself from everything pinning my moods down and he isn't the problem. He makes me feel alive and smile!
He is really the support I need right now. I would be okay on my own otherwise.
Hence, I finally understand how my ex was feeling, except he disregarded all feelings on the matter for the most degree and screwed me around. Things turned out better though. Truly, despite my work issue lately, I have been better without him and with someone else...or even on my own again.

I was upset before he rang me last night...as soon as I spoke with him, I forgot about what I was unhappy about. I have realised most of the time when people are unhappy, a lot of thoughts are very much distorted in the brain. It's a monster all in my head and it's not even damn real!


xx.

Clearly, it's another distraction...

I was just thinking, who defines things these days?

Because, everything seems distorted and sexually involved without rules and a second thought of the matter.

People say, "I hate myself, I want to die". I can imagine why in some way and not disbelief in other ways.

Life is precious, don't give it up.
It seems so cruel and 'hopeless'. But, don't give it up!
Because, if you give up. "They" win. Not you. You'll never win that way.


xx.

Feelings, emotions and choices...

What do I do if I am feeling insecure about something? Do I reassure myself, it is going to be okay? Do I talk to someone? - Or, Do I just forget about it?

Simple, I should be asking myself, Is it really that big of deal? If the answer is, no, then I've solved my problem.
I can't worry at any given opportunity about things that may seem out of the ordinary - Or am I fearing that something is coming that I least expect to happen? So, it seems...
I just wish I knew totally what is going around me. Somehow, it all seems to work itself out in the end. Somehow, I have to see myself at "the end" and see that there is nothing to be scared of, if it has not happened. That's future 'present', it's a fear everyone has which does not even exist in this present moment as you are reading this post. Now, that sentence is in 'the past'. It can't hurt you, in fact it doesn't even exist now Therefore, I am fearing something that hasn't even happened. Which is totally stupid, in other words. But, people do this on a daily basis...It seems to have become a makeup of apart of a human being; Feelings, emotions and choices...Especially, fearing the unknown - 'Diving into deep water without a paddle'.

xx.

Anything for you...

It's official, I am dating Daniel.

I know I can trust him, I was unsure at first...But, I've put my insecurities behind me. After all, if you fear something, it may become real. You shouldn't let it win over you.

An emotional attachment has taken me. He makes me happy, as long as I know all the reasons why...


xx.

My ears are burning...

My mother is having her test next week. She said, she is feeling very "unbalanced". Strange. It may be an inner ear problem or a mid stroke. :(

I have got offered a job at a supermarket and they will pay me well as a casual ($18) an hour. I'm much happier with that. I told Chicken Treat to stick it!
I need to build up my customer service skills to improve my confident on communicating with people.
I've been hearing rumors that the manger there is a total sleaze from everyone! I wouldn't disbelieve it for a second either. Because, he kept touching my cheek when I went in there on the first day and the second visit too. I wouldn't be able to do anything about it unless, I have "evidence". The world just doesn't believe what someone says anymore...

I'm seeing Daniel tomorrow. I really can't wait. I'm sure he can't either. =)


xx.

It's the disease that no one can save...

My mother has to have a brain scan in a few days...that can't good. The doctors think she has a stroke. She has been worrying a lot lately, especially about me and my sister. We've just been through a rough patch - But, the reality is. It's for me and my sister to sort out for our selves. That's how we grow as individuals and as a family.

A few years, my Mother had breast cancer. Luckily, it was detected and treated early and she got over it too. I was so worried about her...

I don't want it to happen to my Mother again!
I don't know what I'd without my Mother at this stage in my life...

I'll be ringing her tomorrow about it.


xx.

Hope for something and then, reverse...

It's like being trapped into something you want to be trapped into and never leave.
It's like every dying moment I am not with him, I wish to be with him...
It's just like another other relationship that I have had, so far.

But, I can not believe this,

For once in a relationship, he is feeling the same way I am about him. I instead if it being the other way around, all one sided. - I always used to get it wrong!

So, there is hope for me yet at having a long and meaningful relationship with someone.
I never lost faith either.

xx.

Haunting me...

I was scared for him...

- And I was scared for myself.

As he told me what had happened over the phone...I was picturing the worst.
Daniel came fell off his motor bike on Saturday afternoon - I didn't know about it, until, yesterday afternoon. I was so worried, I knew something was wrong when he didn't ring me back on Sunday as I had tried to phone him with no response!
What had happened was he driving and a truck had spit oil on the road and that's why he came off his motorbike going 70km/h.
He's okay, just scratched up and bruised...He hurt his stomach too, it hurts for him to eat. I would have taken care of him if I was a little closer. I'm at least an hour away from him. I've never been to his town nor his house though. I will have to at some stage!

I really hope he will be okay. I don't like to worry...
I can be a worry wart, because, I am very caring person and I'm a Gemini. ;]

I'm going to see him this weekend, I didn't see him at all this weekend. I hope he was will be better too. =)

xx.