The problem with apathy...

I am feeling uneasy, because, I realised; If I am to get serious with Daniel. Then, I may have to deal with past issues. But, these aren't my issues; they're more-so his that will affect me if I can living with him or around him a lot.

The problems is he drinks too much. Anyone could consumers 1-2 bottles of scotch on the weekends in just one night is a binge drinker or would be classed as that. Imagine the effect on the body after years of abuse like that? It's a total death wish. I never stopped to think about it until yesterday morning.
I have had past issues with partners becoming very drunk and abusing me. In that one sentence I've said it all. A flash of broken bottles and heart strings in my mind, I am left crying...on the floor and blaming myself for what is not my problem. But, living with them made it my problem. They became apart of me...

I cannot handle the abuse anymore. I will tearing into myself...otherwise. No one deserves to be treated like that.. I don't want turn into another emotional wreck, because, of someone else's problem!
Nor, I do not want to live in fear of it, no more.

Why can't people just see that they're bad habits become someone else's problems too?

xx.

Open wounds...

I slept for 3 hours today...I'm feeling very refreshed. I've only been getting 7 hours of sleep every night. 9pm-4:30am, I'd wake up a few times during the night also.

I told myself I wouldn't ever speak of Chad again. Never mention in my blog posts at least - But, I am feeling this necessary at this moment as I have been thinking and comparing the differences between now and the past. As I have been flicking through my Live Journal entries today. It has been 3 months since he left and I am happy he did. Right now, it really wouldn't have made a different if he ever existed in my life, because, he has left a scar on me. That's just what relationships do.

I realised in my last relationship that I was expecting the worst and that's what exactly happened. But, they can easily turn out without any warning and...just walk right out of your life. I am having a good feeling about Daniel; if it should happen or is happening now. I am just enjoying what is going on right now. I'm not going to go and find someone else, of course. But, recently, I have noticed a lot of guys prefer not to have a 'relationship', they'd rather have something casual. Now I believe it isn't right; it's either on or not!

Anyway, Chad was good to me - or I thought he was, but, he used me and he belittled me. Now just that doesn't make sense....I praised more then once and spoke highly of him. He told him not to say such things. Why...?

The answer has come to the fact he never really wanted me. It's as simple as that.

He never phoned. He always used to talk to me on the internet or he'd sms me, not facing reality. Seriously, fuck that! I deserved better then that. At least face to face communication.
There was only ever one thing he ever made me feel special...and I felt like the happiest person on earth at that moment.

The truth came out in the end...and I cried. I wasn't as depressed as I had previously been at the end of some relationships, because, I have grown older. I hadn't one for a year until then. Only because, he wasted my time, my money and my emotions. He just didn't want to deal with it - And I still wished the best for him. When really, I should have just send a heap of guys to his house to beat the living shit out of him. I don't even believe that violence works and I've just said that.

I never deserved it. Never did.

Even now I was expecting not to meet someone nice again for many months, but, my expectations have been wrong again - All thanks to Mr internet, once again. It was how I was able to find Chad and then Daniel... So technology has it's positives, once again.

xx.

I've got the sun in my eyes...I didn't see you passing me by...

I'm meeting someone today off the internet. I almost have butterflies in my stomach at the thought. I'm excited that is why...

I don't know what to expect. There just isn't one thought left. Nope, not one.

I'm meeting him for lunch at 1pm today in Busselton, it should be good. I'm meeting him at a place called, 'Star sushi and noodle'. They always have awesome food there at non expensive price. I took my previous boy friend there for lunch. Well, he was so far the only guy over in this state since I have moved here that I have dated yet.

Anyway, I always liked it there anyway. Regardless, of the past events. I still think about that time every time I go there though, eventually, I wont care anymore. But, now, I'll have one more memory to add to the collection for that place.

I hope everything goes well. I can take care of myself. ;]

Fearing not what to expect is just hard.

xx.

Believe in me...I am strong.

My world is so different to "your world" because, we live two worlds apart. We think differently or maybe, not as differently.
Because, it has been scientifically proven that men and women think differently. Age is not the factor, but, mature is a factor. Age is just a number for the physical bodies, cell count, you could say. The internal spirit cannot last within the physical being. Because, it is eternal. The physical body isn't.

The truth is I feel as if I spend half my life on the internet (Although, I do spend A LOT of time on it...) and I feel as if sometimes, my reality is just one false sense of reality, a dream, you could say.

Everything in it is definitely real. It's the peak of my existence, my adrenal, my heart beat, my emotions, my everything...
Don't get me wrong, I'd pick reality over the internet any day. Sometimes, I feel as I enjoy the internet, just a little too much.

I feel as if when I listen to music, it's the door between both the worlds. My dreams and my reality.

I've had "perfect days", but, the truth is, which is actually impossible. I've never had a 'perfect' relationship with someone. Nothing to romance for the least part. I doubt as if it is possible. Much like, true love. It doesn't exist, it's an idolized holly wood fantasy, "as seen on tv".
I'm very unsatisfied in the category. As I have only ever had short relationships, almost meaningless in a sense. Because, the past two serious ones I have attempted to have, I haven't stayed friends with them afterwards. It was for the best though, after the way they treated badly me...

I'm sure there is not one human being that can say, that they have never been treated badly in some form or another in a relationship with a loved one. It's truly self destroying, belittling, "fucked up" and the scars remind with the person for life. Not until they are reminded of it, does it open up a wound or two. But, it is just memory, one can only hope it isn't in their present existence.

How could such a thing happen to a sweet person? I don't know, I just don't know at all. It's so un-erasable.

Anyway, I couldn't be friends afterwards. It would just be another emotional anguish I'd be dragging myself through. A suicidal mission all in one.

I never hoped for marriage when or if I get into a relationship with someone; I am too young for it nor I am too young to start a family. I have lots more fun to have first, before, I can even think about settling down. That's is what life is about, having a 'good time'.

Sometimes, I wonder how people truly be happy in life. When bad things happen to good people, yet, it all balances out somehow.

I'm glad in some form I can brighten up someone's day to the least. I feel like a speck in my own existence. I love to smile, I love to laugh. It feels so more satisfying I can do that to someone else though.

What I meant by, 'a speck in my own existence' is conjoined in a small piece I have written below.
Like this;

"I'm just another line on your page,
Rub me out and start again"

I feel as if I'm disposable. I feel as I am not being recognized by people I have grown close to in my reality or attempted to have an intimate, sexual relationship with.
I feel as they never loved for who I truly. I'm just another "girl" to them. Again, if they aren't still in my life now, they obviously were not worth my time to begin with.

I know, I am not what I feel in that stance because, it's degrading. Senseless degrading of someone's self esteem.

I like to think I'm unique and special compare to most other females.
But, I am defeated in that way almost, because; I am just one in a billion others. Yes, one little speck. Nothing new to observe at all.

Yet, I feel as if I can write anything here and I couldn't careless if it is read or not. Because, they're my thoughts...

xx.