Believe in me...I am strong.

My world is so different to "your world" because, we live two worlds apart. We think differently or maybe, not as differently.
Because, it has been scientifically proven that men and women think differently. Age is not the factor, but, mature is a factor. Age is just a number for the physical bodies, cell count, you could say. The internal spirit cannot last within the physical being. Because, it is eternal. The physical body isn't.

The truth is I feel as if I spend half my life on the internet (Although, I do spend A LOT of time on it...) and I feel as if sometimes, my reality is just one false sense of reality, a dream, you could say.

Everything in it is definitely real. It's the peak of my existence, my adrenal, my heart beat, my emotions, my everything...
Don't get me wrong, I'd pick reality over the internet any day. Sometimes, I feel as I enjoy the internet, just a little too much.

I feel as if when I listen to music, it's the door between both the worlds. My dreams and my reality.

I've had "perfect days", but, the truth is, which is actually impossible. I've never had a 'perfect' relationship with someone. Nothing to romance for the least part. I doubt as if it is possible. Much like, true love. It doesn't exist, it's an idolized holly wood fantasy, "as seen on tv".
I'm very unsatisfied in the category. As I have only ever had short relationships, almost meaningless in a sense. Because, the past two serious ones I have attempted to have, I haven't stayed friends with them afterwards. It was for the best though, after the way they treated badly me...

I'm sure there is not one human being that can say, that they have never been treated badly in some form or another in a relationship with a loved one. It's truly self destroying, belittling, "fucked up" and the scars remind with the person for life. Not until they are reminded of it, does it open up a wound or two. But, it is just memory, one can only hope it isn't in their present existence.

How could such a thing happen to a sweet person? I don't know, I just don't know at all. It's so un-erasable.

Anyway, I couldn't be friends afterwards. It would just be another emotional anguish I'd be dragging myself through. A suicidal mission all in one.

I never hoped for marriage when or if I get into a relationship with someone; I am too young for it nor I am too young to start a family. I have lots more fun to have first, before, I can even think about settling down. That's is what life is about, having a 'good time'.

Sometimes, I wonder how people truly be happy in life. When bad things happen to good people, yet, it all balances out somehow.

I'm glad in some form I can brighten up someone's day to the least. I feel like a speck in my own existence. I love to smile, I love to laugh. It feels so more satisfying I can do that to someone else though.

What I meant by, 'a speck in my own existence' is conjoined in a small piece I have written below.
Like this;

"I'm just another line on your page,
Rub me out and start again"

I feel as if I'm disposable. I feel as I am not being recognized by people I have grown close to in my reality or attempted to have an intimate, sexual relationship with.
I feel as they never loved for who I truly. I'm just another "girl" to them. Again, if they aren't still in my life now, they obviously were not worth my time to begin with.

I know, I am not what I feel in that stance because, it's degrading. Senseless degrading of someone's self esteem.

I like to think I'm unique and special compare to most other females.
But, I am defeated in that way almost, because; I am just one in a billion others. Yes, one little speck. Nothing new to observe at all.

Yet, I feel as if I can write anything here and I couldn't careless if it is read or not. Because, they're my thoughts...

xx.