Just another sound...

"You're Cute When You Scream" By Senses Fail


(Fuck with my heart)
I'll teach you what it's like.
(To be so used)
That you'll have to clean.
That dirt stuck in
Your plastic finger nails.
And just the scent of you is enough
(To make me sick)

And all I know is revenge is sweet when...

You know that you are worthless
And I am better than
The games that you play princess.
(I've played) and always win.

(I'll take my time)
To slowly plot your end.
(But now I will)
Spit bullets with my pen.

And all I know is you're cute when you scream.

You know that you are worthless
And I am better than
The games that you play princess.
(I've played) and always win.

I'll take you to the top,
Of this building and just push you off.
Run down the stairs so I can see your face
As you hit the street,
the street, the street, the street.

You know that you are worthless
And I am better than
The games that you play princess.
(I've played) and always win.

(This time I win. So here's your kiss goodbye.)

The next time I am going to be angst over a lover. Or ex lover. I will be sure to think of this song and cluck...

That 3rd verus is very emo and impacting. Yet disgusting at the utter though.

The loves we lost...

For the past 3 days whenever I think about my current situation; I feel depressed over it. That's not good at all...

The good news is I got paid today!
After 3 weeks without any paid, I finally got some damn money.
The thing is I am earning just under $400 a fortnight, it's enough for me to live off, all I need is $300 a week. But, it's no compensation for getting at 4:30am for work. I ma trying not to worry so much and get trapped into thinking I wont find something that I will or even I wont find something at all that will suit me!

I feel like I am going to screw up at something and I don't know why to some degree... I think it because, in my present situation; I am feeling uneasy with the way things are the moment. Then again, I can just keep on hoping that someone will rang me back about work!
Realistically, I know the chances aren't great. I hate sitting around just waiting for a phone call.

When I think about Daniel, I feel happy. I think about him and my worries just seem to disappear... It seems I have become dependant on someone else once again, thinking, they'll save me from all my problems and I shouldn't be thinking that way, because, I know, I have to help myself first before, someone else can. It's a way of thinking I have tried to kill off. I've at least learnt it's not the correct way of thinking like that because, it isn't realistic. It's a fantasy way of thinking: Like a hero defeating the finally evil character in some-sort of a role playing game, it's the final blow of his sword that will surely bring the monster down to it's death, that will finally save the day...

I sound like I am tired and drunk off wine. I am tired, tired of living like this!
This blog is my outlet from the reality of the situation. I cannot procrastinate too much though. I hate to 'bitch', especially, everyone procrastinates online. It's been my whole life lately: work, sleep, work, talking to Daniel, cleaning, eating, sleep, work...zzz.

But, since Daniel is just about the only thing lately that is making me really happy, that isn't good for me to say the least. I am happy that I get time off during the day to do as I please, but, I just don't get any nights anymore as I have said previously. Oh, and forget days off at weekends anymore, just about. Anyway, usually all I do is end up sleeping during the day too.

I forgot to post the bands name and the song in my last post. It's by a band named, 'Trust Company' and it's called 'Stronger'. I really haven't been listening to music much lately either, usually, I listen to it a lot; it makes me happy, another thing to add to my 'what makes me happy list'.

I did read a very interesting website yesterday about happily entitled, "If you are thinking about suicide, read this first".

Hold on, don't freak out on me. I know WHAT you are thinking! No, I am not having them. I just randomly stumbled upon it and found it to be an interesting read... I am interested into the psychology as to what causes people to be happy, sad or even why they react they do in different situations. In the hope that people can understand themselves better by knowing how they work. That's the reason why I am curious about that stuff!

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

No success today with finding any work. I did ring a few places for work, but, they had nothing or at least anything that didn't suit the hours I want. I guess, I'll just keep on saying; there is always next time for a chance!

xx.

Trapped inside...

I keep listening to this song, over and over. I can't get it out of my mind...

"And I am, stronger now,
Since you crawled away,
You're so far away,
And I am, stronger now,
Since you crawled away, since you crawled away,

You want to tear me down,
You want to hold me down,
You can't control me now,
You cannot take me out,
You cannot save me now,
Because I'm stronger now."

Maybe, it's just another reflection of my past. Because, I have been feeling so confident in some way and not-so once again in others.
I will so teared up inside - I've crying again/stressing out of my current situation, but, I may have fixed it already with another cleaning job with more suitable day time hours for me.


xx.

Believe in me...I am strong.

My world is so different to "your world" because, we live two worlds apart. We think differently or maybe, not as differently.
Because, it has been scientifically proven that men and women think differently. Age is not the factor, but, mature is a factor. Age is just a number for the physical bodies, cell count, you could say. The internal spirit cannot last within the physical being. Because, it is eternal. The physical body isn't.

The truth is I feel as if I spend half my life on the internet (Although, I do spend A LOT of time on it...) and I feel as if sometimes, my reality is just one false sense of reality, a dream, you could say.

Everything in it is definitely real. It's the peak of my existence, my adrenal, my heart beat, my emotions, my everything...
Don't get me wrong, I'd pick reality over the internet any day. Sometimes, I feel as I enjoy the internet, just a little too much.

I feel as if when I listen to music, it's the door between both the worlds. My dreams and my reality.

I've had "perfect days", but, the truth is, which is actually impossible. I've never had a 'perfect' relationship with someone. Nothing to romance for the least part. I doubt as if it is possible. Much like, true love. It doesn't exist, it's an idolized holly wood fantasy, "as seen on tv".
I'm very unsatisfied in the category. As I have only ever had short relationships, almost meaningless in a sense. Because, the past two serious ones I have attempted to have, I haven't stayed friends with them afterwards. It was for the best though, after the way they treated badly me...

I'm sure there is not one human being that can say, that they have never been treated badly in some form or another in a relationship with a loved one. It's truly self destroying, belittling, "fucked up" and the scars remind with the person for life. Not until they are reminded of it, does it open up a wound or two. But, it is just memory, one can only hope it isn't in their present existence.

How could such a thing happen to a sweet person? I don't know, I just don't know at all. It's so un-erasable.

Anyway, I couldn't be friends afterwards. It would just be another emotional anguish I'd be dragging myself through. A suicidal mission all in one.

I never hoped for marriage when or if I get into a relationship with someone; I am too young for it nor I am too young to start a family. I have lots more fun to have first, before, I can even think about settling down. That's is what life is about, having a 'good time'.

Sometimes, I wonder how people truly be happy in life. When bad things happen to good people, yet, it all balances out somehow.

I'm glad in some form I can brighten up someone's day to the least. I feel like a speck in my own existence. I love to smile, I love to laugh. It feels so more satisfying I can do that to someone else though.

What I meant by, 'a speck in my own existence' is conjoined in a small piece I have written below.
Like this;

"I'm just another line on your page,
Rub me out and start again"

I feel as if I'm disposable. I feel as I am not being recognized by people I have grown close to in my reality or attempted to have an intimate, sexual relationship with.
I feel as they never loved for who I truly. I'm just another "girl" to them. Again, if they aren't still in my life now, they obviously were not worth my time to begin with.

I know, I am not what I feel in that stance because, it's degrading. Senseless degrading of someone's self esteem.

I like to think I'm unique and special compare to most other females.
But, I am defeated in that way almost, because; I am just one in a billion others. Yes, one little speck. Nothing new to observe at all.

Yet, I feel as if I can write anything here and I couldn't careless if it is read or not. Because, they're my thoughts...

xx.