Just another perspective...

It feels like it has been one long day.
I've had 3 days off of work. Thank god, I have work tomorrow. I was getting a bit bored.
I've been playing around with photoshop.

Anyway, here is a photo of Daniel and me... <3



Yes, I am wearing a tank top, it's a cut one - And no, I am not totally naked...It just looks like it. Haha!


xx.

Just where have you gone?

Hello there,
Not much happening, just yet. I have secured a place at Coles supermarket after completely a 6 hour online induction, which only took me 4 and half hours. I get paid to do as well.

This Tuesday, I have a 3 hour in-store induction. I have a week of training to do. I'm excited to start a new job that has decent hours, rather then having to get up at 4:30am every morning. It should be a good experience for me as I haven't had much customer service experience yet. I'm hoping I don't learn to less appreciate the human race, it seems they are a generally a bunch of pigs - That's what i learnt off the cleaning job!

I miss Daniel. I was going to see him today. His car wouldn't start this morning though. I was feeling really tired, I needed a sleep...I still feel he is the only thing at the moment keeping me walking along. Still, I've become much more optimistic about things due the past week. Thank god for options!

xx.

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Anything for you...

It's official, I am dating Daniel.

I know I can trust him, I was unsure at first...But, I've put my insecurities behind me. After all, if you fear something, it may become real. You shouldn't let it win over you.

An emotional attachment has taken me. He makes me happy, as long as I know all the reasons why...


xx.

Hope for something and then, reverse...

It's like being trapped into something you want to be trapped into and never leave.
It's like every dying moment I am not with him, I wish to be with him...
It's just like another other relationship that I have had, so far.

But, I can not believe this,

For once in a relationship, he is feeling the same way I am about him. I instead if it being the other way around, all one sided. - I always used to get it wrong!

So, there is hope for me yet at having a long and meaningful relationship with someone.
I never lost faith either.

xx.

Haunting me...

I was scared for him...

- And I was scared for myself.

As he told me what had happened over the phone...I was picturing the worst.
Daniel came fell off his motor bike on Saturday afternoon - I didn't know about it, until, yesterday afternoon. I was so worried, I knew something was wrong when he didn't ring me back on Sunday as I had tried to phone him with no response!
What had happened was he driving and a truck had spit oil on the road and that's why he came off his motorbike going 70km/h.
He's okay, just scratched up and bruised...He hurt his stomach too, it hurts for him to eat. I would have taken care of him if I was a little closer. I'm at least an hour away from him. I've never been to his town nor his house though. I will have to at some stage!

I really hope he will be okay. I don't like to worry...
I can be a worry wart, because, I am very caring person and I'm a Gemini. ;]

I'm going to see him this weekend, I didn't see him at all this weekend. I hope he was will be better too. =)

xx.

The loves we lost...

For the past 3 days whenever I think about my current situation; I feel depressed over it. That's not good at all...

The good news is I got paid today!
After 3 weeks without any paid, I finally got some damn money.
The thing is I am earning just under $400 a fortnight, it's enough for me to live off, all I need is $300 a week. But, it's no compensation for getting at 4:30am for work. I ma trying not to worry so much and get trapped into thinking I wont find something that I will or even I wont find something at all that will suit me!

I feel like I am going to screw up at something and I don't know why to some degree... I think it because, in my present situation; I am feeling uneasy with the way things are the moment. Then again, I can just keep on hoping that someone will rang me back about work!
Realistically, I know the chances aren't great. I hate sitting around just waiting for a phone call.

When I think about Daniel, I feel happy. I think about him and my worries just seem to disappear... It seems I have become dependant on someone else once again, thinking, they'll save me from all my problems and I shouldn't be thinking that way, because, I know, I have to help myself first before, someone else can. It's a way of thinking I have tried to kill off. I've at least learnt it's not the correct way of thinking like that because, it isn't realistic. It's a fantasy way of thinking: Like a hero defeating the finally evil character in some-sort of a role playing game, it's the final blow of his sword that will surely bring the monster down to it's death, that will finally save the day...

I sound like I am tired and drunk off wine. I am tired, tired of living like this!
This blog is my outlet from the reality of the situation. I cannot procrastinate too much though. I hate to 'bitch', especially, everyone procrastinates online. It's been my whole life lately: work, sleep, work, talking to Daniel, cleaning, eating, sleep, work...zzz.

But, since Daniel is just about the only thing lately that is making me really happy, that isn't good for me to say the least. I am happy that I get time off during the day to do as I please, but, I just don't get any nights anymore as I have said previously. Oh, and forget days off at weekends anymore, just about. Anyway, usually all I do is end up sleeping during the day too.

I forgot to post the bands name and the song in my last post. It's by a band named, 'Trust Company' and it's called 'Stronger'. I really haven't been listening to music much lately either, usually, I listen to it a lot; it makes me happy, another thing to add to my 'what makes me happy list'.

I did read a very interesting website yesterday about happily entitled, "If you are thinking about suicide, read this first".

Hold on, don't freak out on me. I know WHAT you are thinking! No, I am not having them. I just randomly stumbled upon it and found it to be an interesting read... I am interested into the psychology as to what causes people to be happy, sad or even why they react they do in different situations. In the hope that people can understand themselves better by knowing how they work. That's the reason why I am curious about that stuff!

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

No success today with finding any work. I did ring a few places for work, but, they had nothing or at least anything that didn't suit the hours I want. I guess, I'll just keep on saying; there is always next time for a chance!

xx.

Open wounds...

I slept for 3 hours today...I'm feeling very refreshed. I've only been getting 7 hours of sleep every night. 9pm-4:30am, I'd wake up a few times during the night also.

I told myself I wouldn't ever speak of Chad again. Never mention in my blog posts at least - But, I am feeling this necessary at this moment as I have been thinking and comparing the differences between now and the past. As I have been flicking through my Live Journal entries today. It has been 3 months since he left and I am happy he did. Right now, it really wouldn't have made a different if he ever existed in my life, because, he has left a scar on me. That's just what relationships do.

I realised in my last relationship that I was expecting the worst and that's what exactly happened. But, they can easily turn out without any warning and...just walk right out of your life. I am having a good feeling about Daniel; if it should happen or is happening now. I am just enjoying what is going on right now. I'm not going to go and find someone else, of course. But, recently, I have noticed a lot of guys prefer not to have a 'relationship', they'd rather have something casual. Now I believe it isn't right; it's either on or not!

Anyway, Chad was good to me - or I thought he was, but, he used me and he belittled me. Now just that doesn't make sense....I praised more then once and spoke highly of him. He told him not to say such things. Why...?

The answer has come to the fact he never really wanted me. It's as simple as that.

He never phoned. He always used to talk to me on the internet or he'd sms me, not facing reality. Seriously, fuck that! I deserved better then that. At least face to face communication.
There was only ever one thing he ever made me feel special...and I felt like the happiest person on earth at that moment.

The truth came out in the end...and I cried. I wasn't as depressed as I had previously been at the end of some relationships, because, I have grown older. I hadn't one for a year until then. Only because, he wasted my time, my money and my emotions. He just didn't want to deal with it - And I still wished the best for him. When really, I should have just send a heap of guys to his house to beat the living shit out of him. I don't even believe that violence works and I've just said that.

I never deserved it. Never did.

Even now I was expecting not to meet someone nice again for many months, but, my expectations have been wrong again - All thanks to Mr internet, once again. It was how I was able to find Chad and then Daniel... So technology has it's positives, once again.

xx.

The facts behind the void...

It's a fact;

I care too much.

It's a fact;

I am a fighter.

It's a fact;

It's my disease.

Let me leave,
Let me bleed,
Let me beat it,

- Without you.

Here,
Something I fear,
Because,

I am the savior within,

- And I don't need you to be my sin.

...


I'm experiment with text sizes and format for visual effects and impact on the viewer.

Daniel said, he likes me! <3
He is such a sweetie and an old school guy.
Yeah, I can't wait for tomorrow.
I am spending the day with him! *love sighs*


xx.

No chase, no chance...

I seem give in too easy, depends on the situation and who it is. I'm tired of games and the bullshit; why can't people be honest with each other for once?

But, I am dangering myself to getting hurt if I give in too easy...
I am also leaving myself open if I am to be sympathetic for what-ever reason.

I don't know. Things seem right at the time, then I just think that maybe they weren't the best choice later on. But, at least I had 'some fun' in the process, right...?

So it isn't wasted at all in that sense. But, I keep making the same mistakes over and over when it comes to relationships. I am just damn hoping that one day, SOMEONE will be honest and truthful to me, all the damn way!

Look at me, I'm already slightly worried and I have realised why as well...I'm probably worrying for no damn reason though!

Where did the innocent in life go? It seems they fucked themselves away into the misery.

Then again, another attitude of mine has always been, "whatever happens, happens for a reason and that's just the damn way it worked out!". Obviously, the person I was with or after just wasn't my type nor even 'meant' for me.
I'm enjoying being single, but, I do enjoy a relationship also. Having fun with someone is so rare these days. Not like what has happened to me recently, so damn rare for me!

It was just nice too...

xx.

Freaking out...

Another day gone.

I freak out this afternoon, I had to do the afternoon shift all by myself. I should be alright doing it myself tomorrow. I had to work out to see if I could do the bins right, I wasn't getting the technique right. Now, I'm much better!

I have a really good feeling about the weekend, I'm allowed to have Saturday and Sunday afternoon off!
A roster yet has to be made up. Which means I'll be able to do as I please. I'll really need some time off too.

I'm seeing Daniel again. I honestly can't wait. I have a good feeling about him. He is such a nice guy, I'd only wish to make him happy and see him smile. I still yet have to get to know much better and have much more fun with him!
I'm pretty sure we're going fishing or something of the sort on Saturday afternoon.

I'm off to a wine bar for a drink to celebrate a friend of mine birthday tonight!
Having a drink or two is such a nice way to relax after work.


xx.

And I know what I feel should be natural...

"I got a need, for something new,
I got a need, that says it's you,
I got a hunger, or has a hunger got me?
I get crazy, when I like what i see,
I got your name, I like how it sounds,
I get restless, 'till you come around,
I get going, will I ever stop?
I get down and you come and fire me up,

And I know what I feel should be natural."

(Infusion - Natural)

Since, I have move over here I have found myself listening to this song a lot when-ever I find someone 'new' to like...Despite the fact, I really love Infusion and I missed the chance to see them play on a live set!
It's just such an addictive song...

But, the reason on why I posted it was because, it's exactly how I am feeling once again. - And I love it!

It's that special feeling I was getting when-ever I meet someone I like really...and I could see myself possibly, getting rather serious with. It makes me smile. I'm excited about things. But, at the same time; things aren't serious yet. That's just what I love having fun, doing what-ever with them. It's nerve racking when things get serious and emotionally tied up to them.

But - Hey, that's the way relationships can be.

I've already planned to see him again on the weekend and I can't damn wait either!


xx.

Let me breathe...

I've started a new job. About time too!
I have a cleaning job at the Dunsborough mall. I start at 5am - 8am, then, I have afternoon shift at 2pm-5pm. Just for my training though, I am only starting the morning for the first few days. So I get into a routine pattern.

I was feeling desperate and starting to feel that I was losing hope in everything in general.
I hate to use the word, "desperate" as I always imagine myself clinging on to someone for dear life with fearful tears in my eyes. Yep, that's defining, "desperate" to me...
Senseless hope in a way. A senseless need. Like crying alone in my room, hoping for something, in fact, anything that will make me see the light!

I need the answers...badly. I need to know this or that. If none can answer my questions, then what is the point in it?

My work mate is actually, a really nice guy too. His name is Wayne. He is a bit old for me though! Haha. Aw, he told me I have a nice smile...and that I should smile more often!

I want to stay single for a while, at least, until I know I have met the right person. When-ever that will be, I'll just know it, like almost mindless response to the word, "YES!", jumping into deep dark water below.

xx.

Another day...

It was just like if I went and met someone at the local pub, almost. But, very casual and without the drunkenness and randomly hooking up with some random person.
Still I wouldn't mind meeting with him again, preferably when he isn't as tired as he was yesterday.
It wasn't really a date either, just us, meeting up and chatting. It was nice.

We had a really nice chat, while I ate lunch in front of him. He wasn't hungry, I think he was a little bit hung over. I don't really people watching me eat. I find it a little bit out of my comfort zone.

Still, I'd say this weekend has been the most productive weekend I've had in ages at meeting new people. I meet another guy on friday night, I invited him over to my house, because, I knew I could trust him. We had a intimate talk about 'past relationships' and 'who has had the worst experience'... It was really interesting. It seems I haven't had it so bad at all. Considering I've never had any too long and trauma (e.g. cheating, endless lying, dragging on...) relationships. Just short ...and one experience after the next to add to "in future; DO NOT do this again"... Yep, it's not so bad!

Abusive names never helped my self esteem though. That's just screwed up.

xx.

Believe in me...I am strong.

My world is so different to "your world" because, we live two worlds apart. We think differently or maybe, not as differently.
Because, it has been scientifically proven that men and women think differently. Age is not the factor, but, mature is a factor. Age is just a number for the physical bodies, cell count, you could say. The internal spirit cannot last within the physical being. Because, it is eternal. The physical body isn't.

The truth is I feel as if I spend half my life on the internet (Although, I do spend A LOT of time on it...) and I feel as if sometimes, my reality is just one false sense of reality, a dream, you could say.

Everything in it is definitely real. It's the peak of my existence, my adrenal, my heart beat, my emotions, my everything...
Don't get me wrong, I'd pick reality over the internet any day. Sometimes, I feel as I enjoy the internet, just a little too much.

I feel as if when I listen to music, it's the door between both the worlds. My dreams and my reality.

I've had "perfect days", but, the truth is, which is actually impossible. I've never had a 'perfect' relationship with someone. Nothing to romance for the least part. I doubt as if it is possible. Much like, true love. It doesn't exist, it's an idolized holly wood fantasy, "as seen on tv".
I'm very unsatisfied in the category. As I have only ever had short relationships, almost meaningless in a sense. Because, the past two serious ones I have attempted to have, I haven't stayed friends with them afterwards. It was for the best though, after the way they treated badly me...

I'm sure there is not one human being that can say, that they have never been treated badly in some form or another in a relationship with a loved one. It's truly self destroying, belittling, "fucked up" and the scars remind with the person for life. Not until they are reminded of it, does it open up a wound or two. But, it is just memory, one can only hope it isn't in their present existence.

How could such a thing happen to a sweet person? I don't know, I just don't know at all. It's so un-erasable.

Anyway, I couldn't be friends afterwards. It would just be another emotional anguish I'd be dragging myself through. A suicidal mission all in one.

I never hoped for marriage when or if I get into a relationship with someone; I am too young for it nor I am too young to start a family. I have lots more fun to have first, before, I can even think about settling down. That's is what life is about, having a 'good time'.

Sometimes, I wonder how people truly be happy in life. When bad things happen to good people, yet, it all balances out somehow.

I'm glad in some form I can brighten up someone's day to the least. I feel like a speck in my own existence. I love to smile, I love to laugh. It feels so more satisfying I can do that to someone else though.

What I meant by, 'a speck in my own existence' is conjoined in a small piece I have written below.
Like this;

"I'm just another line on your page,
Rub me out and start again"

I feel as if I'm disposable. I feel as I am not being recognized by people I have grown close to in my reality or attempted to have an intimate, sexual relationship with.
I feel as they never loved for who I truly. I'm just another "girl" to them. Again, if they aren't still in my life now, they obviously were not worth my time to begin with.

I know, I am not what I feel in that stance because, it's degrading. Senseless degrading of someone's self esteem.

I like to think I'm unique and special compare to most other females.
But, I am defeated in that way almost, because; I am just one in a billion others. Yes, one little speck. Nothing new to observe at all.

Yet, I feel as if I can write anything here and I couldn't careless if it is read or not. Because, they're my thoughts...

xx.