Open wounds...

I slept for 3 hours today...I'm feeling very refreshed. I've only been getting 7 hours of sleep every night. 9pm-4:30am, I'd wake up a few times during the night also.

I told myself I wouldn't ever speak of Chad again. Never mention in my blog posts at least - But, I am feeling this necessary at this moment as I have been thinking and comparing the differences between now and the past. As I have been flicking through my Live Journal entries today. It has been 3 months since he left and I am happy he did. Right now, it really wouldn't have made a different if he ever existed in my life, because, he has left a scar on me. That's just what relationships do.

I realised in my last relationship that I was expecting the worst and that's what exactly happened. But, they can easily turn out without any warning and...just walk right out of your life. I am having a good feeling about Daniel; if it should happen or is happening now. I am just enjoying what is going on right now. I'm not going to go and find someone else, of course. But, recently, I have noticed a lot of guys prefer not to have a 'relationship', they'd rather have something casual. Now I believe it isn't right; it's either on or not!

Anyway, Chad was good to me - or I thought he was, but, he used me and he belittled me. Now just that doesn't make sense....I praised more then once and spoke highly of him. He told him not to say such things. Why...?

The answer has come to the fact he never really wanted me. It's as simple as that.

He never phoned. He always used to talk to me on the internet or he'd sms me, not facing reality. Seriously, fuck that! I deserved better then that. At least face to face communication.
There was only ever one thing he ever made me feel special...and I felt like the happiest person on earth at that moment.

The truth came out in the end...and I cried. I wasn't as depressed as I had previously been at the end of some relationships, because, I have grown older. I hadn't one for a year until then. Only because, he wasted my time, my money and my emotions. He just didn't want to deal with it - And I still wished the best for him. When really, I should have just send a heap of guys to his house to beat the living shit out of him. I don't even believe that violence works and I've just said that.

I never deserved it. Never did.

Even now I was expecting not to meet someone nice again for many months, but, my expectations have been wrong again - All thanks to Mr internet, once again. It was how I was able to find Chad and then Daniel... So technology has it's positives, once again.

xx.