And somehow it all just falls into place...

I got a new toy - A web cam, it has an microphone built in. I love so it so much. I posted some photos on LJ, showing the quality of it.

Although I haven't posted this on LJ just yet...
I do have another job, lined up at a fast food place, like Red Roster, called 'Chicken treat'. They don't pay very well...though. But, they can offer me a trainee ship for "assisting manager". Again, I'd still be on shit pay. I've done a trainee ship before and I was getting $250 a week to to live off and somehow I managed too. Still, that could be a good opportunity for me to take up...It's better then what I am doing and cleaning work is at the bottom end of the scale as far as jobs go. I'll be happy if I earn enough to live off, of course. I'll also get to work during the day time and get 2 days off a week. Thank god!

Actually, I'm not sure if I am worried more-so about working for money or just for the experience at the moment...


xx.

I can't stand this...I'm so out of place...

I've reached point 'doom'. There is no going back right now.

I rang my big boss up, Bevin and told him, I quit...

I have 2 weeks to find a new job. I have to give a 2 week notice for this job and work for the 2 weeks. I may already have a shot at another job, already... I just hope so!

Still, at point blank...This is what I wanted to escape from hell view!

I just don't care anymore, my happiness is all that matters to me for sanity's sake.


xx.

The loves we lost...

For the past 3 days whenever I think about my current situation; I feel depressed over it. That's not good at all...

The good news is I got paid today!
After 3 weeks without any paid, I finally got some damn money.
The thing is I am earning just under $400 a fortnight, it's enough for me to live off, all I need is $300 a week. But, it's no compensation for getting at 4:30am for work. I ma trying not to worry so much and get trapped into thinking I wont find something that I will or even I wont find something at all that will suit me!

I feel like I am going to screw up at something and I don't know why to some degree... I think it because, in my present situation; I am feeling uneasy with the way things are the moment. Then again, I can just keep on hoping that someone will rang me back about work!
Realistically, I know the chances aren't great. I hate sitting around just waiting for a phone call.

When I think about Daniel, I feel happy. I think about him and my worries just seem to disappear... It seems I have become dependant on someone else once again, thinking, they'll save me from all my problems and I shouldn't be thinking that way, because, I know, I have to help myself first before, someone else can. It's a way of thinking I have tried to kill off. I've at least learnt it's not the correct way of thinking like that because, it isn't realistic. It's a fantasy way of thinking: Like a hero defeating the finally evil character in some-sort of a role playing game, it's the final blow of his sword that will surely bring the monster down to it's death, that will finally save the day...

I sound like I am tired and drunk off wine. I am tired, tired of living like this!
This blog is my outlet from the reality of the situation. I cannot procrastinate too much though. I hate to 'bitch', especially, everyone procrastinates online. It's been my whole life lately: work, sleep, work, talking to Daniel, cleaning, eating, sleep, work...zzz.

But, since Daniel is just about the only thing lately that is making me really happy, that isn't good for me to say the least. I am happy that I get time off during the day to do as I please, but, I just don't get any nights anymore as I have said previously. Oh, and forget days off at weekends anymore, just about. Anyway, usually all I do is end up sleeping during the day too.

I forgot to post the bands name and the song in my last post. It's by a band named, 'Trust Company' and it's called 'Stronger'. I really haven't been listening to music much lately either, usually, I listen to it a lot; it makes me happy, another thing to add to my 'what makes me happy list'.

I did read a very interesting website yesterday about happily entitled, "If you are thinking about suicide, read this first".

Hold on, don't freak out on me. I know WHAT you are thinking! No, I am not having them. I just randomly stumbled upon it and found it to be an interesting read... I am interested into the psychology as to what causes people to be happy, sad or even why they react they do in different situations. In the hope that people can understand themselves better by knowing how they work. That's the reason why I am curious about that stuff!

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

No success today with finding any work. I did ring a few places for work, but, they had nothing or at least anything that didn't suit the hours I want. I guess, I'll just keep on saying; there is always next time for a chance!

xx.

Trapped inside...

I keep listening to this song, over and over. I can't get it out of my mind...

"And I am, stronger now,
Since you crawled away,
You're so far away,
And I am, stronger now,
Since you crawled away, since you crawled away,

You want to tear me down,
You want to hold me down,
You can't control me now,
You cannot take me out,
You cannot save me now,
Because I'm stronger now."

Maybe, it's just another reflection of my past. Because, I have been feeling so confident in some way and not-so once again in others.
I will so teared up inside - I've crying again/stressing out of my current situation, but, I may have fixed it already with another cleaning job with more suitable day time hours for me.


xx.

And I was in for the shock of my life...

I found out today that I am only getting $14 an hour...Despite the fact I can earn double on Sundays and 'time and a half' on Saturdays. It's just not good enough!
The one and only time I would consider working for a wage like that is only if I was on an apprenticeship for horticulture. At the end of it, I know it would BE worth it.

Apart from the (1) poor pay which could be worse, the state minim is $12.30; I have (2) no life after 9pm because, I have to be in bed by them if I am on the morning shift. Which means no late nights, unless, I kindly ask my workmate if possibly I could have the morning off. Which I am going to try and limit to once a month if he lets me, I would feel guilty though, but, I'd take on the afternoon shift....I need a damn social night life at some point in my life!
He understands that. My big boss doesn't or at least I think he doesn't know how important it is at my age!
(3) Getting up early is another issue (I have to get up at 4:30am and be ready for work by 5am), as I have only been getting about 7-7.5 hours sleep every night, meaning some days during lunchtime I need to have a nap...

It's more-so important now that potentially I could be getting myself a boyfriend and Daniel would only get to see me on the weekends. I've honestly never know a guy as sweet as what he is. It melts my heart. :D

Anyway, I'm either going to get a casual job in order for me to be able to earn more money and try to fill in the time between 9am-1pm or I'm going to find a new full time job and quit my current one that I will enjoy a lot more and that will have a higher wage. I know I would be happy then. Right now, I'm not happy and I haven't been since I started this new job. It only took me a whole 3 days to realise that I know have no night life.

A whole $2-3 per hour in a wage makes a lot of difference at the end of a working week. *shakes fist*

xx.

Freaking out...

Another day gone.

I freak out this afternoon, I had to do the afternoon shift all by myself. I should be alright doing it myself tomorrow. I had to work out to see if I could do the bins right, I wasn't getting the technique right. Now, I'm much better!

I have a really good feeling about the weekend, I'm allowed to have Saturday and Sunday afternoon off!
A roster yet has to be made up. Which means I'll be able to do as I please. I'll really need some time off too.

I'm seeing Daniel again. I honestly can't wait. I have a good feeling about him. He is such a nice guy, I'd only wish to make him happy and see him smile. I still yet have to get to know much better and have much more fun with him!
I'm pretty sure we're going fishing or something of the sort on Saturday afternoon.

I'm off to a wine bar for a drink to celebrate a friend of mine birthday tonight!
Having a drink or two is such a nice way to relax after work.


xx.

Job issues...

It has only just occurred to me; How am I supposed to have a social life now?

Seriously, if I work 7 days a week. 3 hours in the morning, swapping afternoon shifts with Wayne which is also 3 hours, (once I'm confident at working by my way with the routine though...)
I can't really get the morning off, unless, another person is going to be hired...
I'm hoping that in the not too distance future this does occur...


If I am to work a full week...5am-8am, 2pm-5pm, as I said, 7 days a week, mon-sun...That is a full 42 hour week. I'm not even sure what I am getting paid per hour yet. I although I am getting 'time-and-a-half' on weekends.

I would really like to be able to go and hang out with Daniel and allowed myself to have late nights...
Or anyone, for that matter! - I really haven't been having many late nights since, I've moved over here, just the odd one now and again is nice. But lately, I have been meeting a few people off of here and you know, they may wish to hang out with myself some more.

Surely, someone will understand. I'm young and I need a social life or else. I'm going to go insane!

xx.

Just look away...

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse...

Yep, they did!

"Same shit, different day", as they say. I'm not letting it get me down either as life should do to the best of us...or the worse in some extreme cases!

My car decided it was going to over heat itself this morning on my way to work...I had to stop, let it cool down then, drive it back into town. Oh for the love of god!

Then, I send it to the mechanic. It was only a $70 repair, but, still... It would have been worse!

I'm at least feeling a bit more optimistic about my work situation.
Grape picking is very viable work and no one usually makes any money off it either... I'm starting to understand why too.

I haven't worked for a week and half...until today, because, all the work keeps getting canceled.

I may be getting another job soon. I hope so for my sanity!

xx.

Opening my blurred eyes...

I love the last comment that you wrote to me. It's so beautiful.
I truly believe that secretly...everyone wants to be to saved by another human being. But, it never happens most of the time. It's a rather idealistic concept. Like, most things in life found out to be a lie or not nessarcay 'true'.

Tuesday, I had worked 13 hours, I was too tired by the time I got home to blog on the internet by 8:30pm that night. I had a well deserved shower, ate dinner and went to bed. My bosses are very proud of me though. I was one of the people to pick the most buckets of grapes that day. At least 60-70 in a 13 hour period. The money isn't worth it though...Not for all the hard work I had put in. It's insane. It was hard physically and mentally. The bunches of the grapes were small, Vedehlo if I am not mistaken. Not spelt correctly however. I really do enjoy Vedehlo wines though.

Haha. I'm actually enjoying a nice Rosa from Riverdell. A local winery here. I never used to like wine much. I've learnt to appreciate it more-so since, working on a vineyard and then, from reading some notes about "wine" on side. It's really opened my eyes.

May be my prays have been answered, maybe not.
Tomorrow is a day off work - I will catching up on some much needed sleep tonight...
Although, I was directing that at my weekend plans. I'm planning to meet someone from the internet, although, I'm not sure if I really want to get involved in another relationship. I just can't seem to say "no", to a nice guy...
As always, I'm not sure how it is going to be, but, I am not expecting any 'bullshit' off this person. I'll see, it should be fun anyway.

xx.

This is life...Sometimes, it hurts.

I am not happy.
You know it's serious when I am unhappy. I'm such a bouncy person and when I am like this I'm not that way at all. I'm negative a lot. Totally opposite to the usual me. Negativity only drags you down further...

I am very rarely ever this unhappy.

I don't feel going to work tomorrow. What is the point?

I want a new job. I'm over vine yard work. I knew I would be.
Working with Katie and Luke is stressing me out because, I don't know when or if or even where the work is and I knew it would be this way...

It's full time work. Just not what I want anymore.

Then again, there's no point in myself just sitting around the house tomorrow either.

I feel that this week has been a disaster. I tried to plan for it. I was hopeful, only to be knocked down. That's reality in your face. *sighs*

At least if I do have work tomorrow it will keeps things off my mind. There is something for to look forward too!

Now, no more moping. *shakes herself*

I have applied for a few job. I am waiting for now to hear back from them. I'm hoping, just hoping...I just a reply. Maybe, it would be better if I rang some of them back? I'm not sure.

My sister has noticed during this evening that I am acting unhappy. She told me not to be because, I have people around me that care about me and she's right. But, I feel in my own little world that it is almost not enough. I know the utter feeling of someone showing they care about is enough to put a smile on my face.

Which reminds me I have barely smiled all day! Hehehe!