Just another perspective...

It feels like it has been one long day.
I've had 3 days off of work. Thank god, I have work tomorrow. I was getting a bit bored.
I've been playing around with photoshop.

Anyway, here is a photo of Daniel and me... <3



Yes, I am wearing a tank top, it's a cut one - And no, I am not totally naked...It just looks like it. Haha!


xx.

Just what if you did?

Dear Bob,
The last poem was written by me.
My job has been going good, so far. The staff at Coles are very friendly and always help me if I need it.
I've had the odd rude customer which was disheartened me, a little...But, you get that!
They pay they're casual staff very well: I'm getting $19.63...Almost $20 an hour. On Sundays, I get time-and-a-half. On public holidays, I get double pay. Which is outrageous!

I only get to see Daniel, once every 2 weeks, either he is too busy or I am.
Things have been going good so far. But, the other night on the phone he said something to me that he had done in the past more in then once, that scared me...It's one of those things that question whether you should be with him them or not. Or do you let go and hold on to believe them completely over what they say?
I was always lead to believe that, "People don't change - They become more-so".
It's not like anything bad has happened yet. But, you can't judge someone based on their past either. It seems swallow.
If anything bad happens to me, I'm out of there. As selfish as this sounds: because, the most important person is myself. IF something horrible is endangering myself.


xx.

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Just a side note...

Beginnings Created Shadows Profile An Existence...

See me now,

~ Shadowed heart from within,

Once loved,
Only once time to begin,
Pick up from where I left off,
Where pieces of an existence float from the dust,

Ashes to ashes,

I am more than what I have become.

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Just another sound...

"You're Cute When You Scream" By Senses Fail


(Fuck with my heart)
I'll teach you what it's like.
(To be so used)
That you'll have to clean.
That dirt stuck in
Your plastic finger nails.
And just the scent of you is enough
(To make me sick)

And all I know is revenge is sweet when...

You know that you are worthless
And I am better than
The games that you play princess.
(I've played) and always win.

(I'll take my time)
To slowly plot your end.
(But now I will)
Spit bullets with my pen.

And all I know is you're cute when you scream.

You know that you are worthless
And I am better than
The games that you play princess.
(I've played) and always win.

I'll take you to the top,
Of this building and just push you off.
Run down the stairs so I can see your face
As you hit the street,
the street, the street, the street.

You know that you are worthless
And I am better than
The games that you play princess.
(I've played) and always win.

(This time I win. So here's your kiss goodbye.)

The next time I am going to be angst over a lover. Or ex lover. I will be sure to think of this song and cluck...

That 3rd verus is very emo and impacting. Yet disgusting at the utter though.

Just where have you gone?

Hello there,
Not much happening, just yet. I have secured a place at Coles supermarket after completely a 6 hour online induction, which only took me 4 and half hours. I get paid to do as well.

This Tuesday, I have a 3 hour in-store induction. I have a week of training to do. I'm excited to start a new job that has decent hours, rather then having to get up at 4:30am every morning. It should be a good experience for me as I haven't had much customer service experience yet. I'm hoping I don't learn to less appreciate the human race, it seems they are a generally a bunch of pigs - That's what i learnt off the cleaning job!

I miss Daniel. I was going to see him today. His car wouldn't start this morning though. I was feeling really tired, I needed a sleep...I still feel he is the only thing at the moment keeping me walking along. Still, I've become much more optimistic about things due the past week. Thank god for options!

xx.

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It's just a monster...

Still no word yet from my new job at Coles about the induction - I have been waiting for an email off of them for a week now. I was told to ring them tomorrow if I do not receive it.

I've been very restless, emotional and inpatient lately. Part of the reason is, I haven't been getting enough sunlight and I have had to sleep during my afternoons off which happen 3-4 days a week.
I feel that is Daniel is still the only thing to keep myself from feeling truly happy. I was having thoughts yesterday about being single again. It's not what I really want - It wasn't me thinking that, it was my "sad" side, wanting to free itself from everything pinning my moods down and he isn't the problem. He makes me feel alive and smile!
He is really the support I need right now. I would be okay on my own otherwise.
Hence, I finally understand how my ex was feeling, except he disregarded all feelings on the matter for the most degree and screwed me around. Things turned out better though. Truly, despite my work issue lately, I have been better without him and with someone else...or even on my own again.

I was upset before he rang me last night...as soon as I spoke with him, I forgot about what I was unhappy about. I have realised most of the time when people are unhappy, a lot of thoughts are very much distorted in the brain. It's a monster all in my head and it's not even damn real!


xx.

Clearly, it's another distraction...

I was just thinking, who defines things these days?

Because, everything seems distorted and sexually involved without rules and a second thought of the matter.

People say, "I hate myself, I want to die". I can imagine why in some way and not disbelief in other ways.

Life is precious, don't give it up.
It seems so cruel and 'hopeless'. But, don't give it up!
Because, if you give up. "They" win. Not you. You'll never win that way.


xx.

Feelings, emotions and choices...

What do I do if I am feeling insecure about something? Do I reassure myself, it is going to be okay? Do I talk to someone? - Or, Do I just forget about it?

Simple, I should be asking myself, Is it really that big of deal? If the answer is, no, then I've solved my problem.
I can't worry at any given opportunity about things that may seem out of the ordinary - Or am I fearing that something is coming that I least expect to happen? So, it seems...
I just wish I knew totally what is going around me. Somehow, it all seems to work itself out in the end. Somehow, I have to see myself at "the end" and see that there is nothing to be scared of, if it has not happened. That's future 'present', it's a fear everyone has which does not even exist in this present moment as you are reading this post. Now, that sentence is in 'the past'. It can't hurt you, in fact it doesn't even exist now Therefore, I am fearing something that hasn't even happened. Which is totally stupid, in other words. But, people do this on a daily basis...It seems to have become a makeup of apart of a human being; Feelings, emotions and choices...Especially, fearing the unknown - 'Diving into deep water without a paddle'.

xx.

Anything for you...

It's official, I am dating Daniel.

I know I can trust him, I was unsure at first...But, I've put my insecurities behind me. After all, if you fear something, it may become real. You shouldn't let it win over you.

An emotional attachment has taken me. He makes me happy, as long as I know all the reasons why...


xx.

My ears are burning...

My mother is having her test next week. She said, she is feeling very "unbalanced". Strange. It may be an inner ear problem or a mid stroke. :(

I have got offered a job at a supermarket and they will pay me well as a casual ($18) an hour. I'm much happier with that. I told Chicken Treat to stick it!
I need to build up my customer service skills to improve my confident on communicating with people.
I've been hearing rumors that the manger there is a total sleaze from everyone! I wouldn't disbelieve it for a second either. Because, he kept touching my cheek when I went in there on the first day and the second visit too. I wouldn't be able to do anything about it unless, I have "evidence". The world just doesn't believe what someone says anymore...

I'm seeing Daniel tomorrow. I really can't wait. I'm sure he can't either. =)


xx.

It's the disease that no one can save...

My mother has to have a brain scan in a few days...that can't good. The doctors think she has a stroke. She has been worrying a lot lately, especially about me and my sister. We've just been through a rough patch - But, the reality is. It's for me and my sister to sort out for our selves. That's how we grow as individuals and as a family.

A few years, my Mother had breast cancer. Luckily, it was detected and treated early and she got over it too. I was so worried about her...

I don't want it to happen to my Mother again!
I don't know what I'd without my Mother at this stage in my life...

I'll be ringing her tomorrow about it.


xx.

Hope for something and then, reverse...

It's like being trapped into something you want to be trapped into and never leave.
It's like every dying moment I am not with him, I wish to be with him...
It's just like another other relationship that I have had, so far.

But, I can not believe this,

For once in a relationship, he is feeling the same way I am about him. I instead if it being the other way around, all one sided. - I always used to get it wrong!

So, there is hope for me yet at having a long and meaningful relationship with someone.
I never lost faith either.

xx.

Haunting me...

I was scared for him...

- And I was scared for myself.

As he told me what had happened over the phone...I was picturing the worst.
Daniel came fell off his motor bike on Saturday afternoon - I didn't know about it, until, yesterday afternoon. I was so worried, I knew something was wrong when he didn't ring me back on Sunday as I had tried to phone him with no response!
What had happened was he driving and a truck had spit oil on the road and that's why he came off his motorbike going 70km/h.
He's okay, just scratched up and bruised...He hurt his stomach too, it hurts for him to eat. I would have taken care of him if I was a little closer. I'm at least an hour away from him. I've never been to his town nor his house though. I will have to at some stage!

I really hope he will be okay. I don't like to worry...
I can be a worry wart, because, I am very caring person and I'm a Gemini. ;]

I'm going to see him this weekend, I didn't see him at all this weekend. I hope he was will be better too. =)

xx.

And somehow it all just falls into place...

I got a new toy - A web cam, it has an microphone built in. I love so it so much. I posted some photos on LJ, showing the quality of it.

Although I haven't posted this on LJ just yet...
I do have another job, lined up at a fast food place, like Red Roster, called 'Chicken treat'. They don't pay very well...though. But, they can offer me a trainee ship for "assisting manager". Again, I'd still be on shit pay. I've done a trainee ship before and I was getting $250 a week to to live off and somehow I managed too. Still, that could be a good opportunity for me to take up...It's better then what I am doing and cleaning work is at the bottom end of the scale as far as jobs go. I'll be happy if I earn enough to live off, of course. I'll also get to work during the day time and get 2 days off a week. Thank god!

Actually, I'm not sure if I am worried more-so about working for money or just for the experience at the moment...


xx.

I can't stand this...I'm so out of place...

I've reached point 'doom'. There is no going back right now.

I rang my big boss up, Bevin and told him, I quit...

I have 2 weeks to find a new job. I have to give a 2 week notice for this job and work for the 2 weeks. I may already have a shot at another job, already... I just hope so!

Still, at point blank...This is what I wanted to escape from hell view!

I just don't care anymore, my happiness is all that matters to me for sanity's sake.


xx.

The loves we lost...

For the past 3 days whenever I think about my current situation; I feel depressed over it. That's not good at all...

The good news is I got paid today!
After 3 weeks without any paid, I finally got some damn money.
The thing is I am earning just under $400 a fortnight, it's enough for me to live off, all I need is $300 a week. But, it's no compensation for getting at 4:30am for work. I ma trying not to worry so much and get trapped into thinking I wont find something that I will or even I wont find something at all that will suit me!

I feel like I am going to screw up at something and I don't know why to some degree... I think it because, in my present situation; I am feeling uneasy with the way things are the moment. Then again, I can just keep on hoping that someone will rang me back about work!
Realistically, I know the chances aren't great. I hate sitting around just waiting for a phone call.

When I think about Daniel, I feel happy. I think about him and my worries just seem to disappear... It seems I have become dependant on someone else once again, thinking, they'll save me from all my problems and I shouldn't be thinking that way, because, I know, I have to help myself first before, someone else can. It's a way of thinking I have tried to kill off. I've at least learnt it's not the correct way of thinking like that because, it isn't realistic. It's a fantasy way of thinking: Like a hero defeating the finally evil character in some-sort of a role playing game, it's the final blow of his sword that will surely bring the monster down to it's death, that will finally save the day...

I sound like I am tired and drunk off wine. I am tired, tired of living like this!
This blog is my outlet from the reality of the situation. I cannot procrastinate too much though. I hate to 'bitch', especially, everyone procrastinates online. It's been my whole life lately: work, sleep, work, talking to Daniel, cleaning, eating, sleep, work...zzz.

But, since Daniel is just about the only thing lately that is making me really happy, that isn't good for me to say the least. I am happy that I get time off during the day to do as I please, but, I just don't get any nights anymore as I have said previously. Oh, and forget days off at weekends anymore, just about. Anyway, usually all I do is end up sleeping during the day too.

I forgot to post the bands name and the song in my last post. It's by a band named, 'Trust Company' and it's called 'Stronger'. I really haven't been listening to music much lately either, usually, I listen to it a lot; it makes me happy, another thing to add to my 'what makes me happy list'.

I did read a very interesting website yesterday about happily entitled, "If you are thinking about suicide, read this first".

Hold on, don't freak out on me. I know WHAT you are thinking! No, I am not having them. I just randomly stumbled upon it and found it to be an interesting read... I am interested into the psychology as to what causes people to be happy, sad or even why they react they do in different situations. In the hope that people can understand themselves better by knowing how they work. That's the reason why I am curious about that stuff!

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

No success today with finding any work. I did ring a few places for work, but, they had nothing or at least anything that didn't suit the hours I want. I guess, I'll just keep on saying; there is always next time for a chance!

xx.

Trapped inside...

I keep listening to this song, over and over. I can't get it out of my mind...

"And I am, stronger now,
Since you crawled away,
You're so far away,
And I am, stronger now,
Since you crawled away, since you crawled away,

You want to tear me down,
You want to hold me down,
You can't control me now,
You cannot take me out,
You cannot save me now,
Because I'm stronger now."

Maybe, it's just another reflection of my past. Because, I have been feeling so confident in some way and not-so once again in others.
I will so teared up inside - I've crying again/stressing out of my current situation, but, I may have fixed it already with another cleaning job with more suitable day time hours for me.


xx.