And I was in for the shock of my life...

I found out today that I am only getting $14 an hour...Despite the fact I can earn double on Sundays and 'time and a half' on Saturdays. It's just not good enough!
The one and only time I would consider working for a wage like that is only if I was on an apprenticeship for horticulture. At the end of it, I know it would BE worth it.

Apart from the (1) poor pay which could be worse, the state minim is $12.30; I have (2) no life after 9pm because, I have to be in bed by them if I am on the morning shift. Which means no late nights, unless, I kindly ask my workmate if possibly I could have the morning off. Which I am going to try and limit to once a month if he lets me, I would feel guilty though, but, I'd take on the afternoon shift....I need a damn social night life at some point in my life!
He understands that. My big boss doesn't or at least I think he doesn't know how important it is at my age!
(3) Getting up early is another issue (I have to get up at 4:30am and be ready for work by 5am), as I have only been getting about 7-7.5 hours sleep every night, meaning some days during lunchtime I need to have a nap...

It's more-so important now that potentially I could be getting myself a boyfriend and Daniel would only get to see me on the weekends. I've honestly never know a guy as sweet as what he is. It melts my heart. :D

Anyway, I'm either going to get a casual job in order for me to be able to earn more money and try to fill in the time between 9am-1pm or I'm going to find a new full time job and quit my current one that I will enjoy a lot more and that will have a higher wage. I know I would be happy then. Right now, I'm not happy and I haven't been since I started this new job. It only took me a whole 3 days to realise that I know have no night life.

A whole $2-3 per hour in a wage makes a lot of difference at the end of a working week. *shakes fist*

xx.

The problem with apathy...

I am feeling uneasy, because, I realised; If I am to get serious with Daniel. Then, I may have to deal with past issues. But, these aren't my issues; they're more-so his that will affect me if I can living with him or around him a lot.

The problems is he drinks too much. Anyone could consumers 1-2 bottles of scotch on the weekends in just one night is a binge drinker or would be classed as that. Imagine the effect on the body after years of abuse like that? It's a total death wish. I never stopped to think about it until yesterday morning.
I have had past issues with partners becoming very drunk and abusing me. In that one sentence I've said it all. A flash of broken bottles and heart strings in my mind, I am left crying...on the floor and blaming myself for what is not my problem. But, living with them made it my problem. They became apart of me...

I cannot handle the abuse anymore. I will tearing into myself...otherwise. No one deserves to be treated like that.. I don't want turn into another emotional wreck, because, of someone else's problem!
Nor, I do not want to live in fear of it, no more.

Why can't people just see that they're bad habits become someone else's problems too?

xx.

Open wounds...

I slept for 3 hours today...I'm feeling very refreshed. I've only been getting 7 hours of sleep every night. 9pm-4:30am, I'd wake up a few times during the night also.

I told myself I wouldn't ever speak of Chad again. Never mention in my blog posts at least - But, I am feeling this necessary at this moment as I have been thinking and comparing the differences between now and the past. As I have been flicking through my Live Journal entries today. It has been 3 months since he left and I am happy he did. Right now, it really wouldn't have made a different if he ever existed in my life, because, he has left a scar on me. That's just what relationships do.

I realised in my last relationship that I was expecting the worst and that's what exactly happened. But, they can easily turn out without any warning and...just walk right out of your life. I am having a good feeling about Daniel; if it should happen or is happening now. I am just enjoying what is going on right now. I'm not going to go and find someone else, of course. But, recently, I have noticed a lot of guys prefer not to have a 'relationship', they'd rather have something casual. Now I believe it isn't right; it's either on or not!

Anyway, Chad was good to me - or I thought he was, but, he used me and he belittled me. Now just that doesn't make sense....I praised more then once and spoke highly of him. He told him not to say such things. Why...?

The answer has come to the fact he never really wanted me. It's as simple as that.

He never phoned. He always used to talk to me on the internet or he'd sms me, not facing reality. Seriously, fuck that! I deserved better then that. At least face to face communication.
There was only ever one thing he ever made me feel special...and I felt like the happiest person on earth at that moment.

The truth came out in the end...and I cried. I wasn't as depressed as I had previously been at the end of some relationships, because, I have grown older. I hadn't one for a year until then. Only because, he wasted my time, my money and my emotions. He just didn't want to deal with it - And I still wished the best for him. When really, I should have just send a heap of guys to his house to beat the living shit out of him. I don't even believe that violence works and I've just said that.

I never deserved it. Never did.

Even now I was expecting not to meet someone nice again for many months, but, my expectations have been wrong again - All thanks to Mr internet, once again. It was how I was able to find Chad and then Daniel... So technology has it's positives, once again.

xx.

How I wish for you...

I've been staring into his eyes for too long,
As losing the sense of reality has been gone,

His eyes glow bright in the eastern morning light,
A smile shines upon my face,
Holding on to the moment,
Hoping it will last,

How could I ever not lose myself with him in this place?

Simply being with him,
Time is non-existence,
Everything means nothing - And he is everything,

How I miss just waking up beside someone,
Intimate thoughts never came so clean before,
I miss the little things that I once so very adored,

Now, I hope he is that something more,
So I can muse over and ever adore.

...

It was beautiful day with Daniel...
My expectations are being kept to a minimal and I am happy!

xx.

The facts behind the void...

It's a fact;

I care too much.

It's a fact;

I am a fighter.

It's a fact;

It's my disease.

Let me leave,
Let me bleed,
Let me beat it,

- Without you.

Here,
Something I fear,
Because,

I am the savior within,

- And I don't need you to be my sin.

...


I'm experiment with text sizes and format for visual effects and impact on the viewer.

Daniel said, he likes me! <3
He is such a sweetie and an old school guy.
Yeah, I can't wait for tomorrow.
I am spending the day with him! *love sighs*


xx.

No chase, no chance...

I seem give in too easy, depends on the situation and who it is. I'm tired of games and the bullshit; why can't people be honest with each other for once?

But, I am dangering myself to getting hurt if I give in too easy...
I am also leaving myself open if I am to be sympathetic for what-ever reason.

I don't know. Things seem right at the time, then I just think that maybe they weren't the best choice later on. But, at least I had 'some fun' in the process, right...?

So it isn't wasted at all in that sense. But, I keep making the same mistakes over and over when it comes to relationships. I am just damn hoping that one day, SOMEONE will be honest and truthful to me, all the damn way!

Look at me, I'm already slightly worried and I have realised why as well...I'm probably worrying for no damn reason though!

Where did the innocent in life go? It seems they fucked themselves away into the misery.

Then again, another attitude of mine has always been, "whatever happens, happens for a reason and that's just the damn way it worked out!". Obviously, the person I was with or after just wasn't my type nor even 'meant' for me.
I'm enjoying being single, but, I do enjoy a relationship also. Having fun with someone is so rare these days. Not like what has happened to me recently, so damn rare for me!

It was just nice too...

xx.

Freaking out...

Another day gone.

I freak out this afternoon, I had to do the afternoon shift all by myself. I should be alright doing it myself tomorrow. I had to work out to see if I could do the bins right, I wasn't getting the technique right. Now, I'm much better!

I have a really good feeling about the weekend, I'm allowed to have Saturday and Sunday afternoon off!
A roster yet has to be made up. Which means I'll be able to do as I please. I'll really need some time off too.

I'm seeing Daniel again. I honestly can't wait. I have a good feeling about him. He is such a nice guy, I'd only wish to make him happy and see him smile. I still yet have to get to know much better and have much more fun with him!
I'm pretty sure we're going fishing or something of the sort on Saturday afternoon.

I'm off to a wine bar for a drink to celebrate a friend of mine birthday tonight!
Having a drink or two is such a nice way to relax after work.


xx.

And I know what I feel should be natural...

"I got a need, for something new,
I got a need, that says it's you,
I got a hunger, or has a hunger got me?
I get crazy, when I like what i see,
I got your name, I like how it sounds,
I get restless, 'till you come around,
I get going, will I ever stop?
I get down and you come and fire me up,

And I know what I feel should be natural."

(Infusion - Natural)

Since, I have move over here I have found myself listening to this song a lot when-ever I find someone 'new' to like...Despite the fact, I really love Infusion and I missed the chance to see them play on a live set!
It's just such an addictive song...

But, the reason on why I posted it was because, it's exactly how I am feeling once again. - And I love it!

It's that special feeling I was getting when-ever I meet someone I like really...and I could see myself possibly, getting rather serious with. It makes me smile. I'm excited about things. But, at the same time; things aren't serious yet. That's just what I love having fun, doing what-ever with them. It's nerve racking when things get serious and emotionally tied up to them.

But - Hey, that's the way relationships can be.

I've already planned to see him again on the weekend and I can't damn wait either!


xx.

Job issues...

It has only just occurred to me; How am I supposed to have a social life now?

Seriously, if I work 7 days a week. 3 hours in the morning, swapping afternoon shifts with Wayne which is also 3 hours, (once I'm confident at working by my way with the routine though...)
I can't really get the morning off, unless, another person is going to be hired...
I'm hoping that in the not too distance future this does occur...


If I am to work a full week...5am-8am, 2pm-5pm, as I said, 7 days a week, mon-sun...That is a full 42 hour week. I'm not even sure what I am getting paid per hour yet. I although I am getting 'time-and-a-half' on weekends.

I would really like to be able to go and hang out with Daniel and allowed myself to have late nights...
Or anyone, for that matter! - I really haven't been having many late nights since, I've moved over here, just the odd one now and again is nice. But lately, I have been meeting a few people off of here and you know, they may wish to hang out with myself some more.

Surely, someone will understand. I'm young and I need a social life or else. I'm going to go insane!

xx.

With a little smile...

I would just like to mention that I had a wonderful day with a man. This is the third time for which I have met a man off Plentyoffish.com.
Although, I never intended for it to be anything else then "just friends", it would nice if someone else more was become of it.

I found myself to be rather impressed with him.
For some strange reason, I always find I cannot resist the bad boy impression. I found myself to be rather attracted to him also. Much to say, very much so...

Blue eyes, tattoos, piercings, nice looking face, beautiful smile... Something I find hard to resist.

He looked after me well, also. I feel as if I own him something in return. But, money cannot buy love nor affection.

He took me to down near Augusta, to see some caves. The first cave, Jewel cave, was 40 metres down and the co2 levels were higher at that depth in the earth. It was a long cave as well. Very interesting and fragile looking. You had to use your imagination a bit!

The second one, Lake cave, had water in it, it was SO beautiful! I felt that the tour was a bit short, because, we weren't moving around as much and the cave was not as deep. A great experience, none the less. I wont forget it.
I haven't honestly felt this way, since, I was with my last boyfriend. I feel so damn good inside!

I hope we can continue this...He wants to see me next weekend. <3
I although I know I can be happy being single. It's just so great to feel so good inside, after so stressful events that have been happening lately.

xx.

Let me breathe...

I've started a new job. About time too!
I have a cleaning job at the Dunsborough mall. I start at 5am - 8am, then, I have afternoon shift at 2pm-5pm. Just for my training though, I am only starting the morning for the first few days. So I get into a routine pattern.

I was feeling desperate and starting to feel that I was losing hope in everything in general.
I hate to use the word, "desperate" as I always imagine myself clinging on to someone for dear life with fearful tears in my eyes. Yep, that's defining, "desperate" to me...
Senseless hope in a way. A senseless need. Like crying alone in my room, hoping for something, in fact, anything that will make me see the light!

I need the answers...badly. I need to know this or that. If none can answer my questions, then what is the point in it?

My work mate is actually, a really nice guy too. His name is Wayne. He is a bit old for me though! Haha. Aw, he told me I have a nice smile...and that I should smile more often!

I want to stay single for a while, at least, until I know I have met the right person. When-ever that will be, I'll just know it, like almost mindless response to the word, "YES!", jumping into deep dark water below.

xx.

Just look away...

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse...

Yep, they did!

"Same shit, different day", as they say. I'm not letting it get me down either as life should do to the best of us...or the worse in some extreme cases!

My car decided it was going to over heat itself this morning on my way to work...I had to stop, let it cool down then, drive it back into town. Oh for the love of god!

Then, I send it to the mechanic. It was only a $70 repair, but, still... It would have been worse!

I'm at least feeling a bit more optimistic about my work situation.
Grape picking is very viable work and no one usually makes any money off it either... I'm starting to understand why too.

I haven't worked for a week and half...until today, because, all the work keeps getting canceled.

I may be getting another job soon. I hope so for my sanity!

xx.

What ever happened to Part #2 of this song...?

Karnivool - Change (part 1)

So if you like the sound of,
The glass that breaks against the wall,
I'd trade it all for several,
Pieces of your anger,
I am the interest of your heart,
Say this will wash away,
I'm climbing this rope I feel God,
Would you care to stare me down,
I portray you in different light.

Have you heard...It's a silent dream...

If you wanted me to tell you truth of what I really wanted. What I truly desire.

I'd tell you...It's not so much a person, but, a place to take someone that I deeply care about. Although, it may not even exist anymore.

It would be very surreal...Not the perfect world, it simply doesn't exist.
A great escape is what I dream, a world almost untouched by human.
"Getting back to nature", I'd like to ponder on and explore.
But, a few necessities are needed. Like, fishing gear, a boat and knives, that would make living there easier.

I dream of waking up next to someone in that place and making passionate love to them over and over. Such an animal instinct, I feel almost ashamed to say it. Because, it is so over used by everyone. But - it is the ultimate expression in pleasuring someone else.

Just getting lost in the vast landscape with them. It would feel like the whole world is just him and myself...

I felt like that the day after New Years Eve this year with a German back packer...Although, I was exhausted as I laid on the beach with him, it felt like I was in another world in some subconscious state. I felt like I was in a world with just him and myself. But, it was really the last time I felt "devious" with someone of the opposite sex nor even slightly 'loved'.

Anyway, I feel I rely on technology too much and I just lose the point in "reality". It's so hard to define these days.
But, I somehow want to find that balance. It's nice just to have some things though.

Materialistic things never make anyone happy...

I believe I would be truthfully happy there for a while, but, then miss what I don't have.

I've seem such things happen in movies and it wouldn't be desirable for too stay for a long period of time. A weekend, Maybe? I don't know.

Conflict, cabin 'fever' is something, I'd like to avoid.

I don't feel the same way back as what you feel for me - But, I don't want you to get too attached to me. For, I guess, if I was to find someone. You'd feel hurt, maybe, even happy for me...It's a possibility.

I can't stand to hurt anyone...I can't stand rejecting someone else or even getting rejected myself.

Still, I am curious about the way you feel about me. I'm not afraid. But, it's a nice thought to feel that someone is fond of me. Someones cares about me... Someone I can feel safe with, to tell them anything that I want too. I feel safe with very few people these days. I just don't know who to trust anymore...



xx.

Unsent Letter...

Dear Bob,

I wish I could find an old-school romantic man. *sighs*
Such as you described in your last comment to me.
They're so very few these days.
I had a friend who was like that, I fell very quickly for him, unfortunately. Which lead to me getting hurt. He said, I wasn't exactly the kind of girl he was looking for...

I was secretly telling myself, "He's missing out...".

It turned out for the best anyway. Because, I ended up moving away. He wasn't always the nicest guy either, he was just being cautious. That's what I meant.

That is not ridiculous or silly. It's just how you feel... And I'm very touched by it.

Yet, I had forgotten the meaning, well of part the meaning of Valentines day. Apart from the money expensive.

It's too show your appreciation to another human being...That's all I ever wanted. People forget that meaning and show such hatred towards it.

As you said,

"--and to be appreciated is one of the highest forms of 'love' that can be obtained from another."

I had forgotten about it.

I knew along that you were fond of me...how deep though.

Thank you. <3

xx.

No one is coming back for me...I have to go on

Like every person that gives a slight damn about Valentines day.
I wish someone would show that they 'care' about me in the emotional sense of love. Maybe, even lust. Lust is almost love, but, it's filled with such a strong sexual desire.

But, it is so very rare, that someone should ever feel that way about me. Nor to the fact; I have never been in love with someone else.

It's such an obsessive idea. Damn obsessive.

I wish I didn't give a damn anymore. Yet, I wish that someone would 'save me'. It's not going to happen. I'm saving myself anyway from myself.

It's such a big deal when I'm dating someone. Not now though. I was only ever spoil one time on this day, that was when I actually had a boy friend. Years later, they always break up with me, around Nov/Dec. How ironic...

xx.

Not another nightmare...

Yeah great. I received a phone call off my cell phone last night from a private number. I had no idea who it was either. They sounded like some sleazy male.

I kept asking who they were, they wouldn't answer me. I hang up. They rang again, I answered and said, I had a voice recorder on my phone and that I was going to go to the police about them. Then, he said, he was 'keen' on me...I told him, to fuck off and I hang up again. He tried ringing me 3 more times. While I laid in bed, fearing the worst for myself...

Now, I'm paranoid about everything. It scared the hell out of me. I don't feel safe anymore. It could be ANYONE. I mean, I could be out having an awesome, drunken night, walking home and I could end up getting dragged off and raped by some sleazy guy. That thought scares me the most. That would be totally against my own will...

I can handle it if it's a female ringing me and harassing me, but, that's still bullshit. But if it's a male, fuck that. That's just wrong. I fear the opposite sex more-so because, they could easily over power me.

What the hell did I do to deserve that?!
God. All I try to do is be a good person and people still keep trying to fuck me over. It makes me want to break down and cry...

I have an idea of who it might be, but, I wouldn't put any bets on it at this stage.

I've had this happen to me before, by a female. She backed off though as soon as I mentioned the police though. I knew who it was the whole time.

This is just scary...

xx.

My Apathetic Story...

[: My Apathetic Story :]

When I get that feeling,
Of looking into your eyes,

Sadness, sorrow,
A memory,
Flooding back,
Like a shadow,
I can't escape,

Because, of a broken heart,
Left in an awake,

A hollow feelings inside,
Spills within these walls,

But, sometimes,
I forget,

But, sometimes,
I remember...

The silence between words,
Tears between the pages,
Rips in the cover,
Stains in the pictures...
Turned grey and faded,
Broken down by time,
Love was lost anyway,

Senseless, mindless, pain,
Fears, confusion and blame,
Was set to be the apathy anyway,

Push me away,
Forget me today,
Push me away,

Erase me from the page,
Along with the story in place,
It's not destiny or fade,

It's sick to want this,
It's sick to need this,

Forget it, Forget it,
Don't even regret,

Because, I am the savior within myself,
I don't need you,
Or no body else.

Another day...

It was just like if I went and met someone at the local pub, almost. But, very casual and without the drunkenness and randomly hooking up with some random person.
Still I wouldn't mind meeting with him again, preferably when he isn't as tired as he was yesterday.
It wasn't really a date either, just us, meeting up and chatting. It was nice.

We had a really nice chat, while I ate lunch in front of him. He wasn't hungry, I think he was a little bit hung over. I don't really people watching me eat. I find it a little bit out of my comfort zone.

Still, I'd say this weekend has been the most productive weekend I've had in ages at meeting new people. I meet another guy on friday night, I invited him over to my house, because, I knew I could trust him. We had a intimate talk about 'past relationships' and 'who has had the worst experience'... It was really interesting. It seems I haven't had it so bad at all. Considering I've never had any too long and trauma (e.g. cheating, endless lying, dragging on...) relationships. Just short ...and one experience after the next to add to "in future; DO NOT do this again"... Yep, it's not so bad!

Abusive names never helped my self esteem though. That's just screwed up.

xx.

I've got the sun in my eyes...I didn't see you passing me by...

I'm meeting someone today off the internet. I almost have butterflies in my stomach at the thought. I'm excited that is why...

I don't know what to expect. There just isn't one thought left. Nope, not one.

I'm meeting him for lunch at 1pm today in Busselton, it should be good. I'm meeting him at a place called, 'Star sushi and noodle'. They always have awesome food there at non expensive price. I took my previous boy friend there for lunch. Well, he was so far the only guy over in this state since I have moved here that I have dated yet.

Anyway, I always liked it there anyway. Regardless, of the past events. I still think about that time every time I go there though, eventually, I wont care anymore. But, now, I'll have one more memory to add to the collection for that place.

I hope everything goes well. I can take care of myself. ;]

Fearing not what to expect is just hard.

xx.

Still running...From those eyes

Dear Bob,

My last post was some lyrics out of a song that I hold very dearly to myself.

'Something Corporate - My Konstantine'.

I fell in love with it when I first heard it...I've been that way ever since. Sometimes, I cry to it. Mainly after break ups though...It's such an after break up song.

Yes. I am feeling a lot better, I've had two days off work and I have finally recovered from tuesday. My knees are still very sore though, at least my muscles in my knees are...
Things seem to be going very slow for me lately. I can only hope that next week falls into place better... Work is very variable for me. I don't know when I will have and when I wont and that's vine yard work for you.

Yeah, 'hope at least'. Heh. There is always hope, even when there is none. ;]

<3 = love heart.

xx.

My Konstantine...

This is because I can spell confusion with a K,
and I like it,
It's to dying in another's arms,
And why I had to try it,
It's to jimmy eat world,
And those nights in my car,
But this time I'm alone, and I don't see those stars,
I'm not your star?
Isn't that what you said,
What you thought this song meant,
You thought this song meant.

<3

Opening my blurred eyes...

I love the last comment that you wrote to me. It's so beautiful.
I truly believe that secretly...everyone wants to be to saved by another human being. But, it never happens most of the time. It's a rather idealistic concept. Like, most things in life found out to be a lie or not nessarcay 'true'.

Tuesday, I had worked 13 hours, I was too tired by the time I got home to blog on the internet by 8:30pm that night. I had a well deserved shower, ate dinner and went to bed. My bosses are very proud of me though. I was one of the people to pick the most buckets of grapes that day. At least 60-70 in a 13 hour period. The money isn't worth it though...Not for all the hard work I had put in. It's insane. It was hard physically and mentally. The bunches of the grapes were small, Vedehlo if I am not mistaken. Not spelt correctly however. I really do enjoy Vedehlo wines though.

Haha. I'm actually enjoying a nice Rosa from Riverdell. A local winery here. I never used to like wine much. I've learnt to appreciate it more-so since, working on a vineyard and then, from reading some notes about "wine" on side. It's really opened my eyes.

May be my prays have been answered, maybe not.
Tomorrow is a day off work - I will catching up on some much needed sleep tonight...
Although, I was directing that at my weekend plans. I'm planning to meet someone from the internet, although, I'm not sure if I really want to get involved in another relationship. I just can't seem to say "no", to a nice guy...
As always, I'm not sure how it is going to be, but, I am not expecting any 'bullshit' off this person. I'll see, it should be fun anyway.

xx.

The walking dead...

I am not sure if I'm awake - or - Asleep right now.
I have no idea how I am even awake at all right now.

I woke up at 4:45am this morning for work. That's why.

I feel like a 'living zombie', yet, my eyes are wide awake.
My mind wishes it could just pass out right now and never wake up again.

I know, I wont sleep though...if I tried right now.

Yeah, Thank you SO much Bob - For you're kind words. It made me smile. :D
You're such a nice man and I hope that you get over your depression...
I can't understand how people lose the point in life in the first place. But - the ones that don't give up, have a strong will to live.

"It's a hard life, so beat it back..." - Don't let the 'game' win over you. Be strong. Have faith. It's mind over matter...

And yet, you feel like it is your own fight? It is to some degree, but, there ARE many others that suffer the same thing as you do. Don't forget that!


xx.

Just another secret to the world...

We want things that we can't have.
We can't have what we want, apparently.

Needs, wants and desires are all a daily phase in the mind.

Secrets are something everyone has. Some are better not to ever be told.
Yet, I think I have dug into the bone deep enough to see the fractions in between.
I pretty much better spill this one out.

I have another story to tell. It's not really a secret. Although, I wouldn't remember this one at all, I was too "young".
Although not many know this. Because, they are not obvious physical signs or scars. Other than, my slightly awkward coordination skills and my catch up classes when I was 6 years old. Everything has been 'pretty normal' for me.

I was born as a premature baby, born at 27 weeks old, (Born on May the 28th, 1986 - I was supposed to be born during September that year.)
Missing out on 3 months in my Mother's womb. I didn't exactly understand what it meant when I was a child, only to understand what it meant as I grew older...

I was very lucky to have survived my birth. Otherwise, I wouldn't be typing this post right now. I find it sad in a way to think that I may not have existed.

I have mentioned this on Live Journal. I don't think a lot of people took notice though...

I really believe that there is "someone" out there that I haven't yet met who I can truly appreciate me for who I am. Although, that seems to be a common occurrence today.
People just feel like they 'missing something' more. They'll know this in their own heart if they are or are not.

xx.

Believe in me...I am strong.

My world is so different to "your world" because, we live two worlds apart. We think differently or maybe, not as differently.
Because, it has been scientifically proven that men and women think differently. Age is not the factor, but, mature is a factor. Age is just a number for the physical bodies, cell count, you could say. The internal spirit cannot last within the physical being. Because, it is eternal. The physical body isn't.

The truth is I feel as if I spend half my life on the internet (Although, I do spend A LOT of time on it...) and I feel as if sometimes, my reality is just one false sense of reality, a dream, you could say.

Everything in it is definitely real. It's the peak of my existence, my adrenal, my heart beat, my emotions, my everything...
Don't get me wrong, I'd pick reality over the internet any day. Sometimes, I feel as I enjoy the internet, just a little too much.

I feel as if when I listen to music, it's the door between both the worlds. My dreams and my reality.

I've had "perfect days", but, the truth is, which is actually impossible. I've never had a 'perfect' relationship with someone. Nothing to romance for the least part. I doubt as if it is possible. Much like, true love. It doesn't exist, it's an idolized holly wood fantasy, "as seen on tv".
I'm very unsatisfied in the category. As I have only ever had short relationships, almost meaningless in a sense. Because, the past two serious ones I have attempted to have, I haven't stayed friends with them afterwards. It was for the best though, after the way they treated badly me...

I'm sure there is not one human being that can say, that they have never been treated badly in some form or another in a relationship with a loved one. It's truly self destroying, belittling, "fucked up" and the scars remind with the person for life. Not until they are reminded of it, does it open up a wound or two. But, it is just memory, one can only hope it isn't in their present existence.

How could such a thing happen to a sweet person? I don't know, I just don't know at all. It's so un-erasable.

Anyway, I couldn't be friends afterwards. It would just be another emotional anguish I'd be dragging myself through. A suicidal mission all in one.

I never hoped for marriage when or if I get into a relationship with someone; I am too young for it nor I am too young to start a family. I have lots more fun to have first, before, I can even think about settling down. That's is what life is about, having a 'good time'.

Sometimes, I wonder how people truly be happy in life. When bad things happen to good people, yet, it all balances out somehow.

I'm glad in some form I can brighten up someone's day to the least. I feel like a speck in my own existence. I love to smile, I love to laugh. It feels so more satisfying I can do that to someone else though.

What I meant by, 'a speck in my own existence' is conjoined in a small piece I have written below.
Like this;

"I'm just another line on your page,
Rub me out and start again"

I feel as if I'm disposable. I feel as I am not being recognized by people I have grown close to in my reality or attempted to have an intimate, sexual relationship with.
I feel as they never loved for who I truly. I'm just another "girl" to them. Again, if they aren't still in my life now, they obviously were not worth my time to begin with.

I know, I am not what I feel in that stance because, it's degrading. Senseless degrading of someone's self esteem.

I like to think I'm unique and special compare to most other females.
But, I am defeated in that way almost, because; I am just one in a billion others. Yes, one little speck. Nothing new to observe at all.

Yet, I feel as if I can write anything here and I couldn't careless if it is read or not. Because, they're my thoughts...

xx.

I am colour blind...Cracked hearted made from stone.

I am brittle.
Brittle like a cracked heart at the best of times.

That's how I feel inside something.
I tend to take things to the heart too much, I'm a sensitive person.
Like the expression, "These words have torn my world apart", I feel as if I am truly that inside. They are only words, they can't hurt me. But, they can if I let them.

I may over look into a situation, occasionally. A lot of females do that. Which often leads to depression or an emotional upset. The mind can only handle so much.

But, it's the little things in life that make me happy, that make me smile.
Little things that I treasure so much.
Whether, it's drinking a coffee on a nice sunny day or receiving a special present from a friend to remember them by. Or just simply being appreciated by another human being. It just means SO much to me.

That is what I meant. When I say that I am brittle.
I feel as if sometimes, I get upset too easily or I emotional work up myself up sometimes. I've been trying to be more 'happy' this year. Although, I have been a lot happier since I moved over here to Western Australia. It's such a beautiful state. I never miss home though. I miss my Mother and Father and friends, of course.
I'm going to be returning home for a few weeks for my 21st at the end of May. I can't wait to see everyone again.

I will admit though, I have been a little bit lazy with phoning people; I feel as if I haven't been ringing some people enough. Some people do even bother ringing me anymore. Although, I always talk to my Mother or Father every few weeks.

xx.

Sometimes you just have to get up and fight back...With a key and locked heart.

Lucifers-light said...

"And I would ransom the world to place a smile upon your face."

Awww, such a poetic soul. <3
It makes me feel loved and wanted! - Thank you, Bob.

I'm feeling better today, I decided to take a day off from work to relax and do something that I would enjoy. Although, I did apply for some work. I know, I wont be hearing from them soon though.

Besides, I didn't find out until 10pm last night that I had to be up at 5:30am for vine yard work, otherwise, I would have gone to bed early. I didn't want to wake up feeling like utter shit this morning. Plus, yesterday was an 'emotional' day for me. I'm guessing, my period isn't helping my moods either. Stress tends to bring it on earlier for me, sometimes, sexual activity does as well. Not like I have had any of that lately.
The last time I was depressed was when my last boy friend broke up with 2 months ago. I haven't seen him around, I still think about how he is doing for himself though. I told myself I wouldn't ever mention his name again on my blogs nor even write about him. As if he never existed in my memory. But, considering the situation now, I feel the need to reflect upon my mood then, putting it into context as of now.

So, I ended up taking some more beach photos to post on Live Journal.
It seems to be a project that I am enjoying; sharing photos I have taken with the internet, from around here. It's something to keep my mind busy. Apart from work, social life is still okay. It hasn't been easy to make close friends here. I'm getting there though. I don't wish to end up hanging around the wrong crowd again. I'm such a sensitive soul. It only destroy what ever is left inside myself. Sometimes, I just feel so brittle inside.

xx.

This is life...Sometimes, it hurts.

I am not happy.
You know it's serious when I am unhappy. I'm such a bouncy person and when I am like this I'm not that way at all. I'm negative a lot. Totally opposite to the usual me. Negativity only drags you down further...

I am very rarely ever this unhappy.

I don't feel going to work tomorrow. What is the point?

I want a new job. I'm over vine yard work. I knew I would be.
Working with Katie and Luke is stressing me out because, I don't know when or if or even where the work is and I knew it would be this way...

It's full time work. Just not what I want anymore.

Then again, there's no point in myself just sitting around the house tomorrow either.

I feel that this week has been a disaster. I tried to plan for it. I was hopeful, only to be knocked down. That's reality in your face. *sighs*

At least if I do have work tomorrow it will keeps things off my mind. There is something for to look forward too!

Now, no more moping. *shakes herself*

I have applied for a few job. I am waiting for now to hear back from them. I'm hoping, just hoping...I just a reply. Maybe, it would be better if I rang some of them back? I'm not sure.

My sister has noticed during this evening that I am acting unhappy. She told me not to be because, I have people around me that care about me and she's right. But, I feel in my own little world that it is almost not enough. I know the utter feeling of someone showing they care about is enough to put a smile on my face.

Which reminds me I have barely smiled all day! Hehehe!